


Darkness

by thequidditchpitch_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Dark, Erotica, Explicit Sexual Content, Heroes to Villains, Love/Hate, The Quidditch Pitch: Going Under
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-09-29
Updated: 2006-09-29
Packaged: 2018-10-27 14:55:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10811277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thequidditchpitch_archivist/pseuds/thequidditchpitch_archivist
Summary: In the face of utter depair, Hermione decides that there is only one true escape.





	Darkness

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Annie, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Quidditch Pitch](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Quidditch_Pitch), which went offline in 2015 when the hosting expired, at a time I was not able to renew it. I contacted Open Doors, hoping to preserve the archive using an old backup, and began importing these works as an Open Doors-approved project in April 2017. Open Doors e-mailed all authors about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Quidditch Pitch collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thequidditchpitch/profile).

  
Author's notes: **WARNING** ; This is not a feel-good fic. It was written to rid myself of some bad feelings, and it ended up taking on a life of its own. Many, many thanks to **RedSioda** and **gwen1170** for their support and encouragement with this one, and to **RedSioda** for her fabulous pre-beta'ing assistance.  


* * *

The guilt should be incredible . . . 

But it isn't.

 

Every time I look in the mirror, 

I should be shuddering, 

Ashamed at what I see reflected in my eyes, 

Knowing what I've done . . . 

 

But I'm not.

 

I crossed the line – 

Oh god – 

And now I can't go back . . . 

 

Nor do I want to.

 

It was all too easy.

All too easy to let myself tread, 

Lightly at first, just along the edge - 

And then to wade further, 

Without caution - 

And finally to fling myself headfirst into the waves.

 

Into him.

 

Oh, but the ride . . .

The ride has been amazing.

Every single time.

And now?

Well, now it's time to own up to my actions, 

To admit my betrayal. 

Our betrayal.

And - oh hell - to live with the consequences. 

 

Or not.

 

Retribution will be harsh, swift . . .

Merciless.

That's just how you operate now - 

Strike first, speak later.

You’ll ignore the fact that you drove me here 

With your quest for power, your abuse, your lies - 

To this place between heaven and hell . . .

Heaven when he and I collide.

Hell when I tell you.

 

And as you take your revenge, you'll forget your own duplicity.

You’ll forget that you forced us apart in the first place.

But you’ll remember that you still blame him for her death.

As I’ll always remember that on that day,

The best part of you died as well.

 

And you became engulfed with rage and anger and a thirst for power.

Sadly, on that day, you forgot how to love.

Either of us.

Anyone.

 

And to exact your vengeance, you forced us apart.

 

I remember how you looked as you took me to him,

Cold, hardened, and yet, almost gleeful.

As you showed me the evidence of his whiskey-induced tryst.

With her.

Still in his bed.

All your doing, of course.

Set up by the two of you,

To meet your own selfish ends.

But it was enough to drive me to you.

Into your waiting arms.

 

Sealing my fate.

Cementing my future with you.

 

And I left him – 

To marry you instead . . .

I broke his heart.

Along with my own.

 

And now, years later, when we’ve all met again, 

You’ve pretended to forgive what was never truly his fault.

 

But I know you.

I know you all too well.

And this, too, is just a façade.

You have been biding your time,

Knowing that we couldn’t control it,

Or ourselves.

Aware that fate would overtake us once again,

And we’d be reunited, despite you.

How you must have anxiously awaited that day,

To exact your final revenge upon us for still loving each other

When your true love has passed.

 

Oh, but now my thoughts leave you,

Returning to him once again . . .

Reliving our last tryst - only hours ago.

The evidence of our union still present in my bed, 

On my body.

Inside me.

I can still taste him on my tongue, 

I can still feel his hands on me.

Oh god – 

His eyes, his lips, his fingers.

Roaming over my body, stroking my desire until . . . 

Oh yes, at last . . . he's inside me, filling me,

And we're joined as one, and 

Oh god . . . 

I'm alive again, enriched by his heat, his passion . . .

And then we fall, together, into the waves that wash over us . . .

And he keeps me afloat, but only barely . . .

Because then we're joined again - 

Fighting through this storm of our own making. 

Together at last.

But are we?

Truly?

 

I already know the answer.

That we can never truly be together.

 

That you would never allow it.

 

And now, my own hands are busy, 

Working feverishly to recreate a semblance of the feelings evoked,

The memory of him, easing this physical ache I feel from his absence . . .

Oh, one last time – 

I hopelessly watch myself, flushed, panting, desperate . . . 

Faster . . . envisioning his lips, crushed against mine . . .

Harder . . . his body over mine, thrusting deeper, bringing me . . .

_Oh yes - Ron_ , I moan quietly, 

Tears flowing from my eyes, the release is so great.

But the emptiness I feel without him remains.

 

It was never like this with you.

Even before I discovered your deceptions and schemes.

I never felt any passion with you.

For you.

From you.

And now . . .

On those occasions when your mistress is too busy

Or you’re too tired to call one of your many conquests,

And you force me to take you into my bed,

All I feel is hatred

Utter disgust

And a slight satisfaction.

Knowing that you have never brought me to orgasm.

But he has.

 

He has . . .

Every time.

 

My breathing slowly returns to normal as reality sets in again -

It is your ring on my hand - not from the man most recently in my bed.

You are the man I am pledged to - but not the man in my heart.

You are my husband – but you are not my lover.

He is the obsession that I can no longer ignore.

There is a need that only he can fill.

He is the one man that I have always truly loved.

 

I thought you would have seen it by now.

That something had changed

That I was different.

Happier.

More complete.

But I can’t hide it anymore.

And neither can he.

_We'll tell them tonight_ , he said before leaving my bed, 

Our sanctuary where we've tended to each other 

When our floundering lives have grown too burdensome to bear . . .

Which has been daily for months.

He wanted to face you with me,

To tell you himself.

But I couldn’t allow that.

_No_ , I argued. _He'll never let it go. He won’t understand. I have to do this a_ _lone._

But he was confident, shamefully positive.

_Alright. But he will let it go, Love. He's always known . . . well,. . . that it's us._

_And tomorrow_ , he continued, _we'll be free. Together, as we should be_.

And then he kissed me slowly, tenderly, lovingly,

And I smiled, sadly.

 

Because even though he believes we'll see tomorrow together,

I know better.

 

After he left, I sat at my desk,

And composed a final good-bye,

Imploring him to follow my instructions.

To leave.

Tonight.

Alone.

And go away from here.

And I warned him to always look over his shoulder.

Because one day, you would find him.

And I cried as I wrote

The full story of our lives,

Our love.

And your role in both.

The good and the awful.

Of how I relished every single moment spent with him.

In his arms.

In his heart.

And how, irrespective of the hand that we’d been dealt,

I have always loved him

With all my soul.

My being.

That I would gladly give my life for his.

But that it was over

Because I was going to tell you.

 

And so, now, I am fearful.

Not of her reaction . . . but of yours.

To both of us.

Because he really doesn’t know you anymore,

And before my letter,

He was unaware of the role you played in our previous lives.

How it was you who destroyed us,

Our chance at happiness together.

But I know you.

The role you played.

What you are capable of.

 

And as for her . . .

I know that she'll try to hurt him, shame him – but she can’t.

And she’s always known deep down

That he’s never belonged to her – only to me.

That I am the reason he wouldn’t marry her.

 

And, in that way, he stayed true to me.

 

But I didn't.

And now - oh god - now I must face my mistakes . . .

My biggest mistake.

Why didn't I wait for him?

I knew he would come when he was ready.

With an explanation, an apology.

And he did.

But it was too late.

Because I had allowed myself to be swayed by you.

By the pangs of jealousy mixed with seeds of doubt.

By the proof that he wanted someone else

Although I knew in my heart it wasn’t true - 

That he really wanted me.

But I was devastated by the scene

Her naked body draped over his,

The scent of whiskey and sex permeating the room.

 

And when I married you,

I discovered that you only wanted me because of my position . . .

In his life.

And what that could mean for you . . .

Retribution.

 

But my heart, my soul never forgot . . .

Never truly left him.

Never fully surrendered.

And I hid it well, 

Didn't allow you to know

Out of pride.

And shame.

And fear.

For both of us.

But now I'm in too deep -

We're in too deep.

And I can’t go back.

 

I won't go back.

 

And I know these things . . .

 

Since we first reunited, 

Neither able to deny the spark still flaming between us,

That I have remained hopelessly in love with him.

 

And from the first time he touched me again, 

A friendly embrace that was so much more, 

That I have needed him, craved him.

 

And from that first kiss in my office, 

When I chose to ignore the boundaries of my wedding vows, 

That I had to have him again.

 

And from the first time we made love again – 

Oh – 

Tender yet passionate, 

Gentle yet desperate, 

Years of longing released at last, 

I was too far gone, 

Beyond guilt or reproach,

That I would die before going back to a life without him.

 

And now . . . well, I will face my punishment bravely.

And I take a deep breath, square my shoulders, 

And leave the sanctity of my bedroom,

Taking one long last look at my bed.

The scene of the crime, so to speak.

The room that I am forced to share with you . . .

A man I don't love . . .

Hell, a man I despise after all the physical and emotional pain 

That you’ve forced me to endure these past few years.

 

And you're there, in my study.

Smoking a cigar and sipping your drink.

I marvel at how pompous you’ve become,

A shell of the man you once were.

You are contrasts, you and he – 

The men in my life – 

Light versus dark.

In your looks and in your hearts.

 

And I’m saddened

Truly.

Because I know I loved you once, 

Although I was never in love with you.

And now . . .

Now the sight of you makes my stomach lurch and my skin crawl.

I despise you for the pain that you’ve caused.

To me.

To him.

To us.

 

So it's time . . .

I brace myself for the worst.

Knowing that I'll take it . . .

Whatever I must . . .

Just to leave you forever . . .

To have my love.

And to hell with the consequences.

 

You look up at me with a sneer.

You despise me, too.

Although, once, there was fondness,

Love, actually.

But that was before . . .

Before you destroyed us with your pain.

Your jealousy.

Your power.

 

So I lower the walls of my mind, 

Allowing you to read my thoughts -

The look on your face assures me that you know . . .

Who I've been with.

What we've done.

When we've met.

And where.

 

And there is a flicker of sadness

And remembrance . . .

Of the brother you once loved.

Of the true love you lost.

Of the past that we shared.

Of the man you were before . . .

Before you were corrupted by the force you once battled.

 

But then the flicker is gone,

Along with the boy, the man, I once knew.

And I am faced with your rage.

At my deception

Our deception and betrayal.

I knew this would happen.

That you couldn't let it go.

That we would pay.

But I don’t want you to hurt him, too.

I deserve to take this punishment alone.

My penance for allowing you to come between us.

My atonement for ruining our lives.

 

_Please_ , I plead. _Spare him, Harry. It was me_. 

 

I crash to the floor from the force of your anger, 

Not sure if it was your hand or your magic that put me there.

You are glowing with rage,

The magic in the room is palpable.

Oh god, what have I done.

 

_Harry. Please. It's over. Let it go_.

 

Visions of flaming red and sapphire blue swirl through my mind.

Filling my heart, my soul, and fuelling your ire.

 

_Yes, Hermione. It is over._

 

And then I see a flash of green that matches your eyes,

As my world goes eternally dark. 


End file.
